Throughout my life, I have experienced attacks on my mind through negative thinking. If I wanted to conceptualize thoughts through a binary lens of good vs. bad, or God vs. Satan, then I can say during these attacks it’s almost as if God or good bows out, and it’s all bad or Satan.
One such situation happen to me recently. I was questioning why my life played out the way it did in relation to my broken childhood.
I suffered a lot throughout my early years, and it caused me a lot of problems. Instead of pursuing sports in school, I wanted to go skateboarding with friends after class. I could have been practicing a sport or could have been studying, but I went out drinking and smoking with friends. I learned how to cope with alcohol and used partying as an outlet to escape from my brokenness.
Obviously, kids growing up have different experiences. Healthy kids were at home with their parents, studying and focusing on their grades, while I was running the streets.
They didn’t have thoughts about why they didn’t have a mother (for example), or why their family liked to be violent and fistfight, or why all of their family drank alcohol every day. Things like that didn’t come to their minds. I, on the other hand, was plagued with thoughts like that all day, every day, and needed an escape because I simply couldn’t make sense of them. I knew something was seriously wrong, and I hated the situation I was in. Now I say all this to point to the fact that I made a lot of bad decisions in my life growing up that have had negative consequences that I still deal with to this day: i.e., felony convictions, broken relationships, loss of time, missed educational opportunities, and many, many more things.
So back to what was going on recently. I was comparing my life to others who had good upbringings and seemingly made the right choices—mainly people in the church and men who are serving God and already graduated from Bible college at young ages, but also just in general education-wise, or even guys who started businesses early on, etc.
Anyways, all this came rushing to my mind, and I was feeling down about how my life has played out up until this point. I just want to serve God right now, and I’m kicking myself because I made bad decisions and could have been serving God a lot sooner. I know better than to compare myself to others, and it’s definitely something I don’t engage in very often. I think of it as a mind virus in situations like this.
I know we all have our own journey in life, and God has a plan for us, but at times Satan has his way with our minds and thoughts.
The passages that prompted the “get away”
Romans 9:10-13
And not only this; but when Rebecca also had conceived by one, even by our father Isaac; (for the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth;) It was said unto her, The elder shall serve the younger. As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.
Malachi 1:2-3
I have loved you, saith the LORD. Yet ye say, Wherein hast thou loved us? Was not Esau Jacob’s brother? Saith the LORD: yet I loved Jacob, and I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness.
At the same time I was ruminating about my past, I came across this passage in Romans during my Bible reading. The reference in my Bible took me to Malachi. These passages were very difficult for me to chew on. I was already feeling feelings of despair, and these really piled on the negative thinking. I felt like God hated me. Maybe He created me to be a vessel for His wrath. I also had thoughts about my family’s choices, and maybe I was a vessel to pour into for the repercussions of their actions.
I knew I had to come to God about this in deep prayer. I was talking to Him about it throughout the day, but I felt I needed a deeper connection, so I decided to leave town and go up into the mountains.
The escape
I LOVE church, and this isn’t about “this” being better than “that.” It’s just a different experience when you get out in nature, away from the city and people, specifically to meet with God. The preaching at church is awesome. The Holy Spirit moves through the pastor and gets into our hearts. I think it’s important to seek God in nature alone sometimes, though.
I have been wanting to go up to “Deception Pass” for a long time and decided to head that way. Looking back on it, I think it’s funny I chose to go to a place called Deception Pass while I was seeking truth from God. Anyways, I found a spot to camp and started a fire. I began to pray and ask God to lead me how He sees fit.
It was so peaceful and quiet—just the environment I needed. The beauty paired with the quiet was so calming and immediately helped my soul and my mind.
God showed up
On Saturday night, I was in bed reading my Bible, and the LORD showed up. His presence was so strong I’ll never forget it. It was like He was right in front of my face! I could feel the power fill up the car. I was reading in Isaiah when this happened. I want to provide some backstory in order to make this pack the punch it deserves.
In Romans 9:20-24 Paul says,
Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: And that he might make known the riches of his glory on the vessels of mercy, which he had afore prepared unto glory, even us, whom he hath called not of Jews only, but also of the Gentiles?
This passage was bothering me because I didn’t think what it was saying was fair, and it also went against the mainstream idea that God is nothing but nice and loving. That’s what I was thinking; I’m not saying I believe this.
Ok, so fast forward to Deception Pass on Saturday night while I was reading in Isaiah. This was one of those times when God spoke to me through Scripture. It might as well have been Him with me, saying it to me Himself.
Isaiah 45:9
Woe unto him that striveth with his maker! Let the potsherd strive with the potsherd of the earth. Shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, What makest thou? Or they work, He hath no hands?
What made this so incredibly impactful to me, along with God’s presence, was that I had never read this verse before, and it tied right into the Romans verse I had recently read. Once I read it, it was like God was right in my face, saying, “Do you understand now!?” It was certainly a correction from the LORD, and it scared me, but at the same time, it was just what I needed. Everything came together for good in that moment. God made it clear that He was in charge of my life, and how it was playing out was under His control and according to His will. So many things spoke to me in that moment… I put down my Bible and just sat there with the LORD, meditating on the lesson He was providing.
Results
I could go into more detail, but I won’t. I left that place with so much peace about my life and who I am. I was made by God, and my life is serving a purpose. I will never complain about my life, nor about how it has played out, again. When I stop and think about all the blessings and how God has shown up for me, it would never have happened the way it did if it weren’t for the path I am on.
I am truly blessed and now thank God for creating me the way He did. One thing I can point out in closing is how my testimony has affected others. I bear fruit that others can’t. I relate to people with similar lives that other people can’t. Those “healthy kids” growing up can’t relate to the type of people I can. God uses me to reach a certain people group to further His kingdom, and I’m blessed for it. Nothing feels better than to serve the LORD.
It’s hard to put into words these types of situations. Only fellow believers can truly grasp the fullness of an encounter with God like this. My hope is to encourage everyone to get away with the Lord in times of need. We must seek God and cast upon Him the cares of our lives. I hope everyone can have experiences like this one. I wish everyone could have a personal relationship with God so they can see how He will show up for them, like he did for me.
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